1) Recently I’ve thought a lot about my life and I realise my decision to pursue engineering was completely mine, but I can’t deny that there may have been a desire deep down and well-hidden to sort of, idk impress/make proud my parents, going out of my comfort zone to show what I can do. A profession that in their generation (and even now) would be a great achievement, that someone, or someone’s parents, would be proud of.
I studied so hard, and worked through so many shit classmates that sabotage projects and mock me for my race. I failed an obstacle and had to stay on for another semester.
I endured.
Being picked on for it, then, is extremely painful for me, to say the least.
2) Recently I’ve read so many posts and thoughts on racism, privilege and marginalised communities around the world, and now it’s made me think about it, after assuming it just an issue to be solved and not investing any emotional capital into something I’m not entirely well versed in. Now that I have, I realise racism and privilege is something I’ve always shrugged off/repressed. Which now I realise doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem, or that I’m not facing it.
It is, and I have. I remember recently playing games with my friends, once with their knowledge of who I am, and second through a second account no one knows of. And I realise their treatment of me both times changes almost radically.
Knowing it was me, I was constantly harassed and picked on for things others wouldn’t. The butt of terrorist jokes, the but of stereotypical Malay jokes, Islamic and so on. Was this down to race, or just how I am as a person, I will never know. I do know I’ve always been courteous and never one to be mean/hurtful with my words, especially with people I’m not familiar with.
Not knowing, I was treated much more nicely, in a sense that I wasn’t mocked every second of the game. I even got a compliment.
Listen, I’m a pragmatic person who actually fancies the occasional dark humour and banter in the name of fun. But of course there’s a limit, and that limit is often exceeded by certain friends of other races. Ugh, just talking about this drags up unpleasant memories.
Sorry, I failed in trying to keep this short.
3) Stop saying I got fat. I know I got fat. I’m the one who made myself this way. It’s not lost on me. I have eyes that see me, and a body that notices the additional weight.
Why do a surprising number of people feel the need to point that out?
Congratulations, your almost sherlockesque observation skills solved the mystery of who got big! It can’t be a conversation starter, cos holy fuck if you think “wow you got fat” is a viable starter then fucking put yourself in my shoes and think of a good follow up. And please tell me it’s not a joke because no one finds it even remotely funny.
This will sound exaggerated and ridiculous but my life did actually change after I got large, in a sense that I am treated differently. And not in a good way. It might just be people getting used to seeing me like this. (is that a good excuse?) Last time, it brought me to skipping meals and essentially starving myself to thinness to spare myself the shame I got. If this is to happen again, I’m not looking forward to a repeat, but I am forced to look forward to being thin again, instead of accepting myself as I am.
Man, talking about my primary days drags up unpleasant memories.
5) I feel like my life is at a standstill. I am desperately trying to change it, and change it for the better, to make some sort of progress but every step of the way there’s obstacles that hinder me. I’m researching universities, looking for jobs, looking for any opportunity to improve myself. But no cigar. I hope I get to sort myself out soon.
You don’t deserve me like this. No one does.
