Pet Phobia: Camera Shyism

  Ever since I was small (or something deep rooted like that probably) I was never gonna get along with a camera, Not taking photos, I think I do a tidy enough job of that, I just struggle at having people take photos or videos of me.


And I have no idea why.


This is one of many things about myself that bug me at the back of my head. Today I talk about my camera shyness, and this is Pet Phobia.

(intro song yayayaya)

  As I mentioned before the dancing Bane, I do actually have not a single clue why I am camera shy.


It gets pretty ironic because I am actually comfortable speaking publicly and all that self exposure stuff. Until it actually comes to those related to cameras. I do struggle to rewatch videos of my public exposures and it may be partly due to how cringe-worthy I was. You could probably count in voice recordings too. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror either. Basically anything that requires me to listen or see myself, I just give in.


(You can add photos taken at outings I've been to to it too yes that made grammatical sense, since I've been in one pretty recently heeh)



 (If I sound too weird you have my permission to take five here for a bit)


  I maybe have a small theory on what I think is the reason behind my shyness and I shall start with 1) a lack of self confidence. I don't lack self confidence. I don't think I do anyway. I have enough of it to have a big mouth and all that, so like I said earlier it would be ironic to shun photos of myself. Maybe it's something I'm not confident in? Maybe I fear what I look like in a photo or video or how I sound in a recording. That does sound plausible. Unlike my being noisy with my mouth skills, I am slightly (okay more than slightly) not too assured of myself dari segi aesthetics. I shrug it off though, I wish not to commit too much thinking to such things that matter less (??????) than others.




  As a result I do avoid them when I can unless I'm not the main subject of such material(pictures with baes squads acquaintances people ive been familiar with their existence these 11 years peeps), or if they're absolutely necessary(photos for documents or whatever). Even the profile photos I've been using have been around for approximately ever very long indeed.



  But I'm opening up though (haha) surely but ever so slowly. I guess I need time to (gets ready to wash mouth with bleach) be comfortable with how I look and accept that I will be seeing myself a lot and therefore have to get comfortable with how I look; that way I can be more confident of myself and as a by-product be more open to having photos and videos and all that of myself :-)

me rn

  If you've got a picture with me or of me or whatever other stalkerific thing you have related to me then know that it took a lot for me, even though it seems like simply standing and smiling and staring at a black hole. At the very least I've done something a lot ish sorta probably more than slightly uncomfortable for you, so if that counts for something than I hope it is appreciated :)))

~~bow of thanks for reading~~

Radiohead - Reckoner

Reckoner

You can't take it with you

Dancing for your pleasure

You are not to blame for

Bittersweet distractors

Dare not speak its name

Dedicated to all human beings

Because we separate

Like ripples on a blank shore

In rainbows

Because we separate

The ripples on a black shore

Reckoner, take me with you

Dedicated to all human beings

A very happy birthday ~(n-n)~

 A month and one day (it took a while for this OKAY) ago, wrapped in kain and sprawled on the old carpet of an old mosque, an old boy turns older by 365 days. His face is lit up, literally by the light from his super duper cool android okok im 18 smartphone, and figuratively by the wishes he reads from said smartphone.

 I always liked birthdays, mine or others'. Not that I see some sort of need to celebrate the day we are closer to our end by a year, of course. It's simply an opportunity to be happy or make someone happy, and not much else. And I can appreciate that a lot :)

Birthdays for me were always low-key events and have always been for a very long time, partly due to the fact that I don't generally disclose when my birthday actually is (facebook got that covered for me right) but mostly, I suspect, due to the fact that it falls on a school holiday, therefore I'm not really surrounded by many of my friends, but with my family. Which means we just eat out and eat ice cream and generally chill. Which is more than adequate for me \(^~^)/

What I didn't anticipate, however, (this is the part you all wanna read right) is a small surprise planned by my peeps, which involved a really nice cake (thanks for that), singing a copyrighted birthday song, and me looking like an oblivious berk (thanks a lot for that).


Part of the reason why I was so oblivious to the whole thing, may be down to my not expecting anything remotely close to what they have planned in store for me. Despite whatever small clues I found my  brain (or rather its pessimistic realistic pessimistic pessimistic side of it) shrugged it off as crazypants, unrealistic, unreasonable, you're not worth any surprises, those kinda stuff.


(Which isn't baseless anyway, I didn't get any sort of huge surprise throughout my eleven years!!!)


Anyway, the cake was yummy, the surprise left me wanting to throw up out of embarrassment, and my day was made, Like, the thought of my troubles and whatnot such as school and insecurities and house chores and homework just flew away and it was just about relaxing and having fun and generally escaping from all that baggage. Which was nice. And I really liked that ^^


Thank you to every one of my peeps; simple wishes to to my super cool phone at midnight, or if you were one of the accomplices sitting at the same table, I appreciate every thing however small or big or however I react to it in real life trying to be cool and crap I just appreciate everything okay thank you so much you made me feel very weird at my chest area where my heart is touched happy (and sick) and I really appreciate it ^^