Catharsis

1) Recently I’ve thought a lot about my life and I realise my decision to pursue engineering was completely mine, but I can’t deny that there may have been a desire deep down and well-hidden to sort of, idk impress/make proud my parents, going out of my comfort zone to show what I can do. A profession that in their generation (and even now) would be a great achievement, that someone, or someone’s parents, would be proud of.

I studied so hard, and worked through so many shit classmates that sabotage projects and mock me for my race. I failed an obstacle and had to stay on for another semester. 

I endured.

Being picked on for it, then, is extremely painful for me, to say the least.

2) Recently I’ve read so many posts and thoughts on racism, privilege and marginalised communities around the world, and now it’s made me think about it, after assuming it just an issue to be solved and not investing any emotional capital into something I’m not entirely well versed in. Now that I have, I realise racism and privilege is something I’ve always shrugged off/repressed. Which now I realise doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem, or that I’m not facing it.

It is, and I have. I remember recently playing games with my friends, once with their knowledge of who I am, and second through a second account no one knows of. And I realise their treatment of me both times changes almost radically.

Knowing it was me, I was constantly harassed and picked on for things others wouldn’t. The butt of terrorist jokes, the but of stereotypical Malay jokes, Islamic and so on. Was this down to race, or just how I am as a person, I will never know. I do know I’ve always been courteous and never one to be mean/hurtful with my words, especially with people I’m not familiar with. 

Not knowing, I was treated much more nicely, in a sense that I wasn’t mocked every second of the game. I even got a compliment.

Listen, I’m a pragmatic person who actually fancies the occasional dark humour and banter in the name of fun. But of course there’s a limit, and that limit is often exceeded by certain friends of other races. Ugh, just talking about this drags up unpleasant memories. 

Sorry, I failed in trying to keep this short.

3) Stop saying I got fat. I know I got fat. I’m the one who made myself this way. It’s not lost on me. I have eyes that see me, and a body that notices the additional weight. 

Why do a surprising number of people feel the need to point that out? 

Congratulations, your almost sherlockesque observation skills solved the mystery of who got big! It can’t be a conversation starter, cos holy fuck if you think “wow you got fat” is a viable starter then fucking put yourself in my shoes and think of a good follow up. And please tell me it’s not a joke because no one finds it even remotely funny.

This will sound exaggerated and ridiculous but my life did actually change after I got large, in a sense that I am treated differently. And not in a good way. It might just be people getting used to seeing me like this. (is that a good excuse?) Last time, it brought me to skipping meals and essentially starving myself to thinness to spare myself the shame I got. If this is to happen again, I’m not looking forward to a repeat, but I am forced to look forward to being thin again, instead of accepting myself as I am. 

Man, talking about my primary days drags up unpleasant memories. 

5) I feel like my life is at a standstill. I am desperately trying to change it, and change it for the better, to make some sort of progress but every step of the way there’s obstacles that hinder me. I’m researching universities, looking for jobs, looking for any opportunity to improve myself. But no cigar. I hope I get to sort myself out soon.

You don’t deserve me like this. No one does. 

hello darkness my old friend

Malacca 2016

 A few months back, I made a half-hearted decision to follow my friends to a pantun (malay poetry) competition in Malacca. It turned out to be one of the few decisions I am very glad to have made. This is a list of thoughts that I wish to express to everyone, and here, because I absolutely didn't have the guts nor social skills to do so personally.

1) It revealed a different side to myself. Honestly. The whole experience with pantun was a purely recreational one, a pursuit borne out of peer pressure and stress relief of which I didn't expect to yield anything out of. It turned out to reveal a different side to myself, one who is less logical, less organised, less me. Where I was always serious and focused and inclined on getting things done, I was more expressive, relaxed, and more open, to things, and people. 

I really enjoyed exercising my language proficiency. Heck, it wasn't even about proficiency. The Malaysians had that; they were powerful with their big words and booming voices. What I practiced was using small words to convey big messages, since my vocabulary was lacking. But oh, what fun it was, playing around with words and crafting up creative ways to say I love you, or  I absolutely loathe you, and whatnot. I thoroughly had fun exchanging pantun with the Malaysians, and I realised that I sorely missed this; being this language-y person, who didn't care about the world and its numbers and facts, and just bringing colour to a grey sky, with beautiful words, and eloquent music, and all that rainbow stuff. My artistic side (I consider language an art, apologies for differing opinions) was, in a way, unleashed, and I really, really needed that.

2) I am thankful. To everyone. I came home with a neat little award. On the front it says Pemantun Baru Lelaki Terbaik. And I have everyone to thank for that. My teachers taught me a huge deal, and my friends with whom I practiced together were such good examples to imitate, learn from and improve on. I'm not sure if anyone harvests ill feelings towards it, cause it may seem undeserving (there were many better than myself) but I really hope there isn't any. I really really feel thankful for the award, and to all my friends and teachers who have taught me. The award isn't for me, but it is dedicated to them; for being supportive, knowledgeable and ever so energetic. Thank you, all :)

Till next time.

Lessons from the peoper's rebubric of China

 Hello.

 Sometime mid September, immediately after the end of my semestral exams, I was promptly shipped off (by plane haha) to do my overseas industrial training programme, or OITP, in the People's Republic of China. There, I spent six weeks with an American aerospace company called Pratt & Whitney. There I had a whirlwind of a time, and here, I shall tell you some things about it and also some lessons from the peoper's rebubric of China.

(see what I did there I slid the title of the pos--nevermind)

flying was fuuun the views were niiice

Week one: The week of independence

this was a tiny garden place to chill at work

My first week in China was pretty intense. Taking all of Beijing in, settling down in my hotel, making friends, everything took place quickly. This was my first everything; being in China, being there for six weeks, being there for that long without family, it was all new. And it was all so much fun. So it made sense that my first lesson there was the lesson of independence. I was always an independent child (chey) (my MOM said that ok) so I was sort of alright. Besides overspending my money. And spending too much of my free time lazing around instead of studying. And falling ill for quite a few days. But let's not worry about technicalities :)

Anyway, I had to cope with being alone (friends aside), and taking care of myself, and I am relieved to say that I may have slightly exaggerated before and actually did quite ok ^^ Perhaps my biggest issue was with my terrible homesickness, and sure enough I felt it enveloping my mind from the third week onwards. I didn't really prepare myself (or the people around me) for my leaving, so it was coming, but fortunately I managed to weather the storm (or haze) (since China) (no? ok)


Week two: The week of industriousness

a really big engine

The second week was a week of work. Like literal work. Getting to grips with the Beijing life, learning about the magic of how jet engines work and how they keep really heavy stuff from really falling into the ground, making friends (hardest work so far) and doing laundry and washing dishes. There may or may not have been a housekeeping service to help with the chores. I have no comment on that. But anyway, the second week saw me finally settle in for the next few weeks away from home, in a small hotel with friends, herbal tea, and lots and lots of cool engineering stuff. It almost sounds like bliss :)

a hangar of engines!

Week three: The week of religion

front of Nu Jie mosque, oldest in Beijing

 On the third week, I made an interesting discovery regarding my hotel. It was comfortable and cosy, but it was still old and rather bleak; the rooms were not as well lit as I would've liked, and the hallways were especially dim and gloomy. Like, I've seen brighter streets in Singapore kinda gloomy.

 Anyway. I discovered my hotel may be occupied by more than humans. I thought it was a load of bull semen (that's actually very expensive) ( but you get the point) but then things started happening throughout the dang place. Toilets suddenly smelt like vomit, doors were being endlessly knocked on at dead hours of the night, strange figures were being seen where they shouldn't have; one particular room (my peers changed from this room cos it was freaky shiz) had the especially uncomfortable aura about it, and..... I'm slowly freaking myself out as I type this in the dark of my room..

 Anyway. Besides my lavatory smelling like a drunkard's vomited all over the floor, I didn't really experience anything ~out of the ordinary~ besides the odd hair on end moments. I prayed harder, and read more of the Quran as a form of insurance (there's nothing to lose going down that road btw) and generally ignored and eradicated any opportunity that I may have in experiencing anything out of sorts.

 I cringed at the thought of having three more weeks of staying there, so I prepared accordingly and apprehensively.The toilet (weirdly) stopped smelling like cat pee, and everything slowly returned to normal, bar the odd anomaly. This may be one of the contributing factors to my wanna-balik impulse. I am a brave boy :)





Week four: The week of smelling roses

orympic stadium!!

 Week four. Week four was the week where I was really enjoying my time in the People's Republic. The adventures to attractions like the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, the many many shopping districts and the workplace itself, everything was thoroughly interesting and fun and I didn't want it to end, homesickness aside.

 The fourth week taught me how to stop and smell the roses, or rather smell them better. To stop and look beyond the hectic and harried thoughts and going ons of school, or work, or anything for that matter; to stop and appreciate the finer details of our daily misadventures, the smiles of strangers, the random act of kindness to someone in need, the accomplished feeling after a long day of work, the good food we take advantage of a lot (emphasis here x100000), these intricacies that we overlook because we worry for our future well-being, or that deadline for that project, whatever it may be.

We shouldn't let ourselves miss the beauty of the today worrying about a perpetual tomorrow. I don't know about you, but my mental health improves with all of this in mind, and I can only hope everyone who reads shall feel this improvement as well and not instead feel that I am spouting hogwash :)

Week five:  The week of positional awareness

 The coming of the fifth week was the week I finally realised(and accepted) my current position: a boy with his pals in foreign lands. I shall cut right to the chase and talk of positional awareness, and what exactly I mean and whether it's total bull.

In football, the notion of positional awareness is important for players. It's one thing to know what your role is in the team. It's one thing to know what the roles of your teammates are in the game. It's an entirely other thing to know both things, make sense of it, and modify your play accordingly, and that is positional awareness. In a very crude sense, anyway.

I feel it relates a bit to how we live our lives everyday too. We have to understand that each of us are uniquely different with our own abilities, but also in our struggles. So we should treat each other with that fact in mind, with the respect and without the cynicism; living for six weeks in China and having to properly get to know people I may have dismissed prior, this is one of the biggest nuggets of advice I can share to yalls :)


Week six: The week of friendship

peeps

My final week in China was a thoroughly memorable one indeed. Farewells, last kopeks at hanging around the capital, eating duck (!!) more farewells, it was so nice. I have rarely felt so happy (to be going home!!) yet so sad (to be leavinggg) it was a whirlwind.

The friends I managed to make made the trip an extremely enjoyable trip, and I am eternally grateful for that. The people I met there have helped me immensely in settling down, and honestly I had so much fun learning and relaxing and sightseeing and all that stuff. Sure, some things didn't go well, like the haunted hotel of terror and the fire breakout and all that, but all of those contributed to a thoroughly memorable trip, and I couldn't have asked for more.

Thank you to SP, friends, educators back at China, but my parents most of all for ensuring I would be able to go and do well so far away JazaakAllah and till next time :)

goodbye :(

Eventually

If only there could be another way to do this
Cause it feels like murder
To put your heart through this
I know I always said that I could never hurt you
Well this is the very very last time I'm ever going to [?]

But I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Said, I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too

Eventually
Eventually

Wish I could turn you back into a stranger
Cause If I was never in your life
You wouldn't have to change this

But I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Said, I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too

Eventually
Eventually

And I know just what I've got to do
And it's got to be soon
Cause I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too

Eventually
Eventually
Eventually
Eventually
Eventually
Eventually
Eventually

-------

The song is about knowing that you’re about to damage someone almost irreparably, and the only consolation you get is this distant hope that they’ll be alright eventually, because you know they aren’t going to be now or soon. It’s like “Fuck!” That’s all I remember. I was on the back of the scooter and the wind was rushing through me. I guess I can’t really deny [that it’s a breakup song], but at the same time I like songs to be ambiguous. I hate to say that a song is about this and you must interpret it this way, because one of the cool things is to hear someone’s interpretation of one of your songs that’s completely different. That’s when you feel like you’ve done something that belongs not just to you. That’s when you feel like your music belongs to the world.

Final Masquerade (acoustic)

To whomever it may concern

Hello.

That's how I start letters and conversations nowadays. I'd start with your name, but, you know. It's an old and probably odd way to start them yet it works a good percentage of the time, so here I am.

Hello.

At the time of writing I am very alive and very well; I've just finished my Isha' prayers, and I hope you are in fine form as well.

Let's talk about that for a moment.

Are you feeling well? No, not in a physical sense. There's nothing more to do than to swallow pills and pray if you're physically ill, we both know that. I'm more concerned about the mental you, the you that resides up there(points to the head) and down here (rests palm on chest). This is a more, let's just say, delicate part of human interaction.

It's not simply black and white. Or white and gold. Or black and blue.

I get that. Of course I get that. That's why you're not feeling better and I'm not doing much to make you feel better. Or not at all. Sorry for being a rubbish friend.

I am a very rubbish friend.

I don't have many of them as a result. I'd say it was just a crazy defence mechanism but I just have few friends because I'm really really crap at friendism. Even my choice of companionship was reasonably crap at some point in time. As a result the ones that I do currently have I'm holding on very dear to. And yes, that includes you as well. I wish for nothing but the best for the people I care about outside of my family.

I absolutely know you're going through an extremely hard time. The high levels of emotional stress must be getting to you. I can feel it from my (highest resolution of any) phone (ever) screen. Right now I am pretty silent and I haven't said anything. That's because I figured one would appreciate time alone and away from everything to think things out. At least, that's what I would've needed. But I keep learning that that won't be the case every time or everybody, for that matter. That being said, I do hope you're feeling okay. I don't tell you every time or have the opportunity to show it, but I really do.

One of the feelings I detest feeling is helplessness. I always at the very least try to help, and when I can't help that plays a lot in my head. And when I see you in a state less than fine, and I can't do anything about it, that's a very bad situation to be in.

But then there would come other situations, situations when you're all fine and cheerful. That's good. In fact, that's the only kind of you I would ever want to see. It's the kind of you everyone loves to see. No sad faces, no negativity, nothing to worry about. Just sunshine and positivity all round. What I wouldn't give to see you in that portrait of 11 out of 10 happy.

Unfortunately, this aforementioned portrait hasn't got myself in it. Are you happier with other people? It doesn't matter, as long as you're happy, I reckon. Who am I to stop you from being happy, right? They share the same struggles you do. This is the common ground I formerly had with you. They're remotely similar now, at best. This shouldn't be a barrier, but it's taken its fair toll hasn't it?

So have many other things. But forget all that.

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this, it's just that I want you to not be down or sad or stressed and all that, and I pray that you be in a state of positive mental health all the time. If it means my not being around then that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. At the end of the day, I really just care deeply for you and want you to feel better again.

See you, dear companion.