Hello.
That's how I start letters and conversations nowadays. I'd start with your name, but, you know. It's an old and probably odd way to start them yet it works a good percentage of the time, so here I am.
Hello.
At the time of writing I am very alive and very well; I've just finished my Isha' prayers, and I hope you are in fine form as well.
Let's talk about that for a moment.
Are you feeling well? No, not in a physical sense. There's nothing more to do than to swallow pills and pray if you're physically ill, we both know that. I'm more concerned about the mental you, the you that resides up there(points to the head) and down here (rests palm on chest). This is a more, let's just say, delicate part of human interaction.
It's not simply black and white. Or white and gold. Or black and blue.
I get that. Of course I get that. That's why you're not feeling better and I'm not doing much to make you feel better. Or not at all. Sorry for being a rubbish friend.
I am a very rubbish friend.
I don't have many of them as a result. I'd say it was just a crazy defence mechanism but I just have few friends because I'm really really crap at friendism. Even my choice of companionship was reasonably crap at some point in time. As a result the ones that I do currently have I'm holding on very dear to. And yes, that includes you as well. I wish for nothing but the best for the people I care about outside of my family.
I absolutely know you're going through an extremely hard time. The high levels of emotional stress must be getting to you. I can feel it from my (highest resolution of any) phone (ever) screen. Right now I am pretty silent and I haven't said anything. That's because I figured one would appreciate time alone and away from everything to think things out. At least, that's what I would've needed. But I keep learning that that won't be the case every time or everybody, for that matter. That being said, I do hope you're feeling okay. I don't tell you every time or have the opportunity to show it, but I really do.
One of the feelings I detest feeling is helplessness. I always at the very least try to help, and when I can't help that plays a lot in my head. And when I see you in a state less than fine, and I can't do anything about it, that's a very bad situation to be in.
But then there would come other situations, situations when you're all fine and cheerful. That's good. In fact, that's the only kind of you I would ever want to see. It's the kind of you everyone loves to see. No sad faces, no negativity, nothing to worry about. Just sunshine and positivity all round. What I wouldn't give to see you in that portrait of 11 out of 10 happy.
Unfortunately, this aforementioned portrait hasn't got myself in it. Are you happier with other people? It doesn't matter, as long as you're happy, I reckon. Who am I to stop you from being happy, right? They share the same struggles you do. This is the common ground I formerly had with you. They're remotely similar now, at best. This shouldn't be a barrier, but it's taken its fair toll hasn't it?
So have many other things. But forget all that.
If there's one thing I want you to take away from this, it's just that I want you to not be down or sad or stressed and all that, and I pray that you be in a state of positive mental health all the time. If it means my not being around then that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. At the end of the day, I really just care deeply for you and want you to feel better again.
See you, dear companion.
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