Aggregate for Preliminaries. I'm happy with this grade but I'm also not happy with this grade. I'll explain in the following couple of paragraphs. Now before you continue, let us bear in mind the fact that I do not give a flying toss what you think about my aggregate. I might be lucky, I might have been able to have fared better. I know and I don't care. It's passed, I can't change anything, let's just be thankful and let life move on.
17 is a good grade. This is based on the rather weaker effort put into the preliminaries. I put my foot down but I didn't floor it. This is probably cause of the fact that I am found wanting in some subjects (I lost a whole file of notes on one of them) but mostly cause of my constant inability to put my foot down , go into top gear and really gun for a top spot. It's been like that since forever, really. An Achilles Heel of mine. I'll really go for it but somehow just falter at the last push. So really the frustration in my life is too damn high. A good point brought out is that if I'm not in top gear and get a 17, that's pretty good. And it is. I just wish I could do better and really topple odds.
17 is a bad grade. Words of my friends and family. And of course it is. Considering it's a whole ten poins adrift, of course it's bad right? I agree that it's bad. Call me conceited, but I do self-value myself. I do think I can score better. I do think I can beat a few others along the way. I do think I can get better. For someone like me, not reaching my target of >15 is and will be a failure regardless.
I call it optimism.
I call it confidence.
But conceit is always the perception dancing around everyone's heads.
And I don't care. I don't brag my heavy ass to Sunday about how I could have gotten this, gotten that, how I'm not really trying and still get a good grade, how I compare endlessly to the good ones on how I'm /only/ 10 points adrift. How I'm supposedly on par with them yet I'm far away. How I /could have/ done better but "took it easy."
What is said,
"Yeah I'm really smart. I beat you all. I'm really smart and I'm just saying it loudly for no apparent reason. Here look at my papers. A little bit more here and I could've beaten you. Yeah you watch out next time."
What I get,
"I'm so smart I can't believe it. Here look at my papers. They are so good oh my god they're so good. Look at yours and look at mine it's so infinitely better. I'm so much smarter than you."
That is bloody conceit.
Let us bear in mind that this is only preliminaries. And I know that fact. And I'm sure everyone else does too. I'm done with all this bullwax and how I'm not intelligent anymore. I'm sick of being compared to someone better to fuel their ego. I'm done with being an average person.
It's time to change.
I'll say this here cause no one reads this thing anyway. My new target.
This is basically getting the top grade for each and every subject of the exam. Seems a huge feat, but I believe I can do it. And no one can take that away from me. I might be doing this for my ego. You probably think I do. But it's my ego. I'm not showing off to anyone. I aim to be better than I was before. To succeed in this exam and be the hero for my own story.
I don't need to "beat" anyone. I just need to beat myself.
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