Purgation

The atmosphere was dry with tension and quiet anticipation. I had myself upright on the chair, instead of my laid-back lean with my European leg cross on, one lap neatly crossed over the other, a sign of confidence or utter nonchalance. Today was a big day, and my body language knew it. I even had my shoes on.

The class made an effort to cheer on everyone who went up front to get their results, but we gave up and shut ourselves up a few names later. I kept myself quiet too. I just wanted to calm these rattlesnakes in my stomach. The room temperature dialed up a notch. I calmly flexed my neck. Air bubbles quietly cracked away. I had a fair amount of confidence, but something had my head held in my hands.

As atrocious as my Malay had been, I was pretty much expecting a golden A1. An A2 would mean a good deal, maybe a few cockups here and there. B3 would mean going through this roller coaster from hell again. I didn't have any thoughts about getting any lower grade, partly cause I wasn't that pessimistic, but mostly cause I would be too busy hanging myself on a noose if I did. Anyway.

My teacher had himself announcing names along with said students' grade, so that didn't spoil the surprise for me at all. Nor all my buddies.

When my name was called, I briefly got up and quietly grabbed the sheet of paper, all the time forgetting he'd mention my grade. Of course, I was duly reminded, at just the most opportune time possible.

B3.

I hadn't even returned to my seat yet. Hell, I hadn't managed to ready myself psychologically for a B3. My spine went numb with cold. I flipped up the paper. There it was. My eyes screened through the badly photocopied piece of paper and stop at my grade.

B-friggin-3.

I felt my face going white and my legs going weak.The room suddenly went cold. I plopped onto my chair, dumbstruck. My buddy beside me would later remark that I'd immediately shut up after I got my results.

B3.

I didn't know what to feel. Anger? Pity? Contempt?  Holy cow, I felt the lump forming in my throat and salty tears hurting my eyes with the fake lenses. Shit don't cry, I thought. There are kids dying in Africa.

Somehow knowing kids are dying in Africa is supposed to cheer people up and make things better. It doesn't. Stop doing that, anyone trying to cheer anybody up. Anyway.

I manage to hold back the tears though. I was just not myself for majority of this shitshow.

B3. I chuckled in disbelief to myself. Unbelievable.

I had to face my friends afterwards and keep a stiff upper lip smiling and congratulating them on their guaranteed A1s. Yes yes, good for you! Congratulations, it all paid off! Damn, don't get too cocky! I knew you could do it! I saw them cheer and rejoice between themselves and laugh and generally be happy with their results. I looked on a distance away, alone and pitiful as I was. I felt alone and I felt left behind.

The lump was acting up again. My smile flinches, oblivious to everyone, of course. My day was done. Get all these thoughts out. Time to partition the depression and bounce back. Life still goes on, and so do five other subjects.

B3 though straight up unbelievable.