Catharsis #2697

"Don't forget the school letter tomorrow."

Ma poked her head through the door of my room and left an envelope on the desk.

"I'm not going tomorrow lah."

I was on my bed, trying to sleep. Not that I was going to have a long day tomorrow.

"But it's Friday. Half day. You'll feel good after prayers."

I shifted to my other side, facing away from the door. Ma was always the optimist. She stood her ground, a slender shadow looming over me from the lighted doorway. We didn't exchange words for a while. Until I heard a sigh, then, "Good night, sayang."

The door closed and the light was gone. I shifted again and laid on my back, desperate to sleep. The time was almost ten, brought to you by my Sony smartphone. Way too early for sleepy time. And definitely way too stuffy for my liking. I sat up and hugged my long, not-too hairy legs, resting my chin between my knees.

  It was the third time in a week I'd decided against school. My parents seemed to buy it that there was not much to the lessons except self-revision, what with exams around the corner and being able to do it at home and all that jazz. My mum was always one to see through it and suspect something was up, although she didn't know what. My dad ,of course, dismissed any worries about his intelligent and strong boy having issues in school (for the record, I'm underweight and my grades are average).

And that's okay. I don't want them mixing around in my life. Or should they? Am i being brave and independent or just a punk ass bitch, as they put it, if I confide in my parents? Why should I put them first, ahead of my very own parents?

A sudden pain seared through my side. Shit, that's why, I thought to myself.

Pulling up my shirt, I stared at my body and imagined the bruises through the darkness. I groped for the yoko-yoko on my bedside table. Apparently using muscle pain ointment helps with punches to the body. Heck it, I thought.



The first thing I remember about school isn't the knowledge, not the teachers, and most definitely not the food. Nah. It's all about the people you're in contact with the most next to your parents. Yup, my dear friends. "Them," if you will, as I endearingly referred to previously.

You see, I have this issue with my friends where I'm being taken advantage of. Because I was so mentally weak and physically just average, I am easily stepped on, easily mocked, easily made fun of. I was a laughing stock, the joke of my friends. It was beyond horrible. Couple that with my dwindling grades. I wasn't intelligent. I was especially shit at science. I was weak, and I was stupid. Everyday was a living nightmare. I left school everyday physically and mentally bruised.

Of course, as with every case, I didn't involve any manner of adult in the shithole I was in. I wanted to feel independent, to feel like I didn't need help. Maybe that was my undoing after being brainwashed by my friends, my dear loving friends. What I knew, or what I was made to think, was that I would be especially weak to confide in my parents or my teachers. Even to the point that that wouldn't help, somehow. I was terrified. Kids kill themselves because such things. I would be living hell for a year. And there was nothing I could do about it.



The door opened again.

"Yes, Ma, I'm going tomorrow lah. Joking only."

The low voice that replied caught me for a second.

"Jangan kesah dengan kawan-kawan merepek kau tu. Jangan dengar dorang cakap kau bodoh lah tu semua. Sekarang, exam lagi penting. Belajar betul-betul, tunjuk dorang sape yang bodoh."

 "Yang penting bukan popular atau bagus main bola atau paling handsome ape semua tu. Sekarang memang selalu susah; kene tahan je. Now isn't the time to fight back. Keep your head down, work hard. Esok, kite tengok sape susah. Esok kite nampak sape yang pandai."

(Translation: Don't care about your lousy friends. Don't believe them when they call you stupid and the like. Right now, exams are more important. Study hard, and show them who's the true imbecile.

What's important isn't being the most popular, or best at soccer, or most handsome etc. It is always going to be tough, we have to tolerate. Now isn't the time to fight back. Keep your head down, work hard. Tomorrow, we see who suffers. Tomorrow, we see the shrewd.)

I nodded my head from underneath the blanket. Whether my dad saw or acknowledged my subtle reply, I will never know. The door did close though.

Every word my father had said made sense.

I reassumed my sleeping position, concealed within blankets. The menthol was freezing over, and comfort was at a premium.

But I felt better. I felt trust, and I felt belief. Tomorrow was going to be a new day. Time to keep my head down and tahan, and tolerate all that BS. Five, ten years on, maybe, we will indeed see, who is the truly shrewd.


-Long story short, I did. And it sure as hell wasn't them ^^