To whomever it may concern

Hello.

That's how I start letters and conversations nowadays. I'd start with your name, but, you know. It's an old and probably odd way to start them yet it works a good percentage of the time, so here I am.

Hello.

At the time of writing I am very alive and very well; I've just finished my Isha' prayers, and I hope you are in fine form as well.

Let's talk about that for a moment.

Are you feeling well? No, not in a physical sense. There's nothing more to do than to swallow pills and pray if you're physically ill, we both know that. I'm more concerned about the mental you, the you that resides up there(points to the head) and down here (rests palm on chest). This is a more, let's just say, delicate part of human interaction.

It's not simply black and white. Or white and gold. Or black and blue.

I get that. Of course I get that. That's why you're not feeling better and I'm not doing much to make you feel better. Or not at all. Sorry for being a rubbish friend.

I am a very rubbish friend.

I don't have many of them as a result. I'd say it was just a crazy defence mechanism but I just have few friends because I'm really really crap at friendism. Even my choice of companionship was reasonably crap at some point in time. As a result the ones that I do currently have I'm holding on very dear to. And yes, that includes you as well. I wish for nothing but the best for the people I care about outside of my family.

I absolutely know you're going through an extremely hard time. The high levels of emotional stress must be getting to you. I can feel it from my (highest resolution of any) phone (ever) screen. Right now I am pretty silent and I haven't said anything. That's because I figured one would appreciate time alone and away from everything to think things out. At least, that's what I would've needed. But I keep learning that that won't be the case every time or everybody, for that matter. That being said, I do hope you're feeling okay. I don't tell you every time or have the opportunity to show it, but I really do.

One of the feelings I detest feeling is helplessness. I always at the very least try to help, and when I can't help that plays a lot in my head. And when I see you in a state less than fine, and I can't do anything about it, that's a very bad situation to be in.

But then there would come other situations, situations when you're all fine and cheerful. That's good. In fact, that's the only kind of you I would ever want to see. It's the kind of you everyone loves to see. No sad faces, no negativity, nothing to worry about. Just sunshine and positivity all round. What I wouldn't give to see you in that portrait of 11 out of 10 happy.

Unfortunately, this aforementioned portrait hasn't got myself in it. Are you happier with other people? It doesn't matter, as long as you're happy, I reckon. Who am I to stop you from being happy, right? They share the same struggles you do. This is the common ground I formerly had with you. They're remotely similar now, at best. This shouldn't be a barrier, but it's taken its fair toll hasn't it?

So have many other things. But forget all that.

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this, it's just that I want you to not be down or sad or stressed and all that, and I pray that you be in a state of positive mental health all the time. If it means my not being around then that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. At the end of the day, I really just care deeply for you and want you to feel better again.

See you, dear companion.

Pet Phobia: Camera Shyism

  Ever since I was small (or something deep rooted like that probably) I was never gonna get along with a camera, Not taking photos, I think I do a tidy enough job of that, I just struggle at having people take photos or videos of me.


And I have no idea why.


This is one of many things about myself that bug me at the back of my head. Today I talk about my camera shyness, and this is Pet Phobia.

(intro song yayayaya)

  As I mentioned before the dancing Bane, I do actually have not a single clue why I am camera shy.


It gets pretty ironic because I am actually comfortable speaking publicly and all that self exposure stuff. Until it actually comes to those related to cameras. I do struggle to rewatch videos of my public exposures and it may be partly due to how cringe-worthy I was. You could probably count in voice recordings too. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror either. Basically anything that requires me to listen or see myself, I just give in.


(You can add photos taken at outings I've been to to it too yes that made grammatical sense, since I've been in one pretty recently heeh)



 (If I sound too weird you have my permission to take five here for a bit)


  I maybe have a small theory on what I think is the reason behind my shyness and I shall start with 1) a lack of self confidence. I don't lack self confidence. I don't think I do anyway. I have enough of it to have a big mouth and all that, so like I said earlier it would be ironic to shun photos of myself. Maybe it's something I'm not confident in? Maybe I fear what I look like in a photo or video or how I sound in a recording. That does sound plausible. Unlike my being noisy with my mouth skills, I am slightly (okay more than slightly) not too assured of myself dari segi aesthetics. I shrug it off though, I wish not to commit too much thinking to such things that matter less (??????) than others.




  As a result I do avoid them when I can unless I'm not the main subject of such material(pictures with baes squads acquaintances people ive been familiar with their existence these 11 years peeps), or if they're absolutely necessary(photos for documents or whatever). Even the profile photos I've been using have been around for approximately ever very long indeed.



  But I'm opening up though (haha) surely but ever so slowly. I guess I need time to (gets ready to wash mouth with bleach) be comfortable with how I look and accept that I will be seeing myself a lot and therefore have to get comfortable with how I look; that way I can be more confident of myself and as a by-product be more open to having photos and videos and all that of myself :-)

me rn

  If you've got a picture with me or of me or whatever other stalkerific thing you have related to me then know that it took a lot for me, even though it seems like simply standing and smiling and staring at a black hole. At the very least I've done something a lot ish sorta probably more than slightly uncomfortable for you, so if that counts for something than I hope it is appreciated :)))

~~bow of thanks for reading~~

Radiohead - Reckoner

Reckoner

You can't take it with you

Dancing for your pleasure

You are not to blame for

Bittersweet distractors

Dare not speak its name

Dedicated to all human beings

Because we separate

Like ripples on a blank shore

In rainbows

Because we separate

The ripples on a black shore

Reckoner, take me with you

Dedicated to all human beings

A very happy birthday ~(n-n)~

 A month and one day (it took a while for this OKAY) ago, wrapped in kain and sprawled on the old carpet of an old mosque, an old boy turns older by 365 days. His face is lit up, literally by the light from his super duper cool android okok im 18 smartphone, and figuratively by the wishes he reads from said smartphone.

 I always liked birthdays, mine or others'. Not that I see some sort of need to celebrate the day we are closer to our end by a year, of course. It's simply an opportunity to be happy or make someone happy, and not much else. And I can appreciate that a lot :)

Birthdays for me were always low-key events and have always been for a very long time, partly due to the fact that I don't generally disclose when my birthday actually is (facebook got that covered for me right) but mostly, I suspect, due to the fact that it falls on a school holiday, therefore I'm not really surrounded by many of my friends, but with my family. Which means we just eat out and eat ice cream and generally chill. Which is more than adequate for me \(^~^)/

What I didn't anticipate, however, (this is the part you all wanna read right) is a small surprise planned by my peeps, which involved a really nice cake (thanks for that), singing a copyrighted birthday song, and me looking like an oblivious berk (thanks a lot for that).


Part of the reason why I was so oblivious to the whole thing, may be down to my not expecting anything remotely close to what they have planned in store for me. Despite whatever small clues I found my  brain (or rather its pessimistic realistic pessimistic pessimistic side of it) shrugged it off as crazypants, unrealistic, unreasonable, you're not worth any surprises, those kinda stuff.


(Which isn't baseless anyway, I didn't get any sort of huge surprise throughout my eleven years!!!)


Anyway, the cake was yummy, the surprise left me wanting to throw up out of embarrassment, and my day was made, Like, the thought of my troubles and whatnot such as school and insecurities and house chores and homework just flew away and it was just about relaxing and having fun and generally escaping from all that baggage. Which was nice. And I really liked that ^^


Thank you to every one of my peeps; simple wishes to to my super cool phone at midnight, or if you were one of the accomplices sitting at the same table, I appreciate every thing however small or big or however I react to it in real life trying to be cool and crap I just appreciate everything okay thank you so much you made me feel very weird at my chest area where my heart is touched happy (and sick) and I really appreciate it ^^

leave a light on

157. AMY POEHLER: Great people do things before they’re ready

157. AMY POEHLER: Great people do things before they’re ready

Ghost Confronting: GPA (generally pootastic average)

If you're in a hurry and need a quick summary of this post, the title generally is the whole epitome of this post. I need to clear my head of these thoughts before haunt my face as I go through my next semester.

(deep breath)

(warning: potential gif party)

(brace your mobile data)

(unless you're using wifi)

(suspense)

(unless you alr know my results lah in which case booo)

(okok)

welp in one picture.

-MS6140(Basiclolno Mathematics) = B (3.0)

 

Shocked with this result cos 1)it's math and 2)the paper was another world of hard compared to past papers I was provided and practiced, but mostly cause 1)it's math. Maybe I could have done better? Considering the circumstances it's a good base to build on and my shock is happy shock hehe. Onwards to engineering math /faints

  

-MS6508(Computer Programming) = B (3.0)

It's an interesting module if only I'd build on what I've learnt (C++) but it's too basic to be of any use so sort of a meh. An A was ideal and a B+ was realistic until I took the unusually hard semester paper. Oh well. My everything other than semestral paper saved this module and I am extremely grateful for that, cos I definitely fell down the consistency stairs by a few steps nearing the end of the semester. Good riddance.

-MM1029(Introdution to HellEngineering) = B (3.0)

   It's funny cos that's the EXACT face I made when I saw what I got for the most credit-heavy and important(?????) module I should be going through. I knew my grade for this here module would probably determine my generally pootastic average, and I probably asked for a B given my shoddy practical work. Everything else was sorta okay, though that isn't saying much cos despite the thickass notes I was given, which covered everything from an engineer's process of thinking to the size and type of screws to the type of machinery used to the ethics behind these things, there really wasn't much but the practical sessions, for some reason. Oh and I had a retiring lecturer for this one who happened to be my form teacher as well. We didn't manage the best of farewells but here's me wishing you a happy retirement :-)

turning and milling machines I had to operate for practical. It's scarier and harder than it looks haha.

-MM1208(Computer Aided Drafting) = B+ (3.5)

I shouldn't be celebrating a wee B plus, but this module was especially hard ish for a lot of reasons, not least because drafting = drawing and this was basically a Photoshop class for engineering dudes and dudettes, except Photoshop is AutoCAD, a professional engineering drawing application of sorts. Given pretty rubbish eyesight, an even more rubbish hand to eye coordination and a very naggy lecturer, I'm not really complaining. There are shelves in the library filled with book tutorials for this stuff, and I'm just thankful I got to pick up a skill worth that sort of book-coverage, if  that's the right word.

Example drawing, if anyone is curious. 

-LC8002(General Education 2) = B+ (3.5)

Reaction: WHERE'S MY A GIVE ME MY A YOU BIASED PIECE OF RUBBISH YOU I NEVER PUT A FOOT WRONG WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU GIVE ME MY AAAAAAA sigh

-EC1403(Electronics) = C (2.0)

Ranted out about this piece of garbage already. Good RIDDANCE.





Overall Generally Pootastic Average: 2.958

There's nothing really left to do but to soldier on and hope (and do) for the best this coming semester. I should be doing better but hey, I should've done better for prelim Os so hopefully I finish my poly years similarly strong as I did for my secondary life, if not stronger hopefully. Afterall, life still goes on and there's still a way forward, so if anyone has underwhelmed the way I had then LET US RISE FROM THE ASHES AND TOGETHER WE SHALL PROCEED FORWARD  AND CONTINUE THIS LONG AND ARDUOUS MARCH AND TOGETHER WE SHALL OVERCOME AND UH DO BETTER :---)