words cannot begin to express how much I miss you.

Gnarls Barkley- - - " Crazy " ( H Q )

Time.

Exam going to start in a few days. I will not be posting for a couple of weeks if I can't help it. This will be about what I write here. So what do I write here guys?

Here lies the truth and everything that goes on in my head. From thoughts, to opinions to complaints to stories to music. Some, if not all of you might find this extremely offensive, and I understand that. However you should understand that I might not give a flying toss about what you think. This blog is, like I said, thoughts and opinions and stuff that really don't need eradicating, or correction. Share your views, sure, but don't impose them on me. This is not a debate.

I might sound self centered in this blog but then I have no other outlets but. So I deeply apologise for that. I express what I feel in this blog, so really, I treasure myself as much as I do others. This blog of mine is an outlet for what I feel.

I don't have any best friend till death to share my feelings.

Just me.

Crunch time.

Yeah not exactly. The real thing is in less than two weeks and I'm here doing meaningless stuff. I'm currently facing a confidence crisis, and everyone's being suckish.

STE examinations start in less than two weeks. But I'm here mugging for some dumb programme in Arabic for the school. Sure it's gonna help etc etc etc but come on I don't need the extra stress. What's more, prelim after effects is well taking an effect. Sigh I am being put my ass down by some people and it's extremely depressing. Sure I scored pretty badly, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid forever. Stop bringing up my marks. I know they're not high. Doesn't mean I can't get the right answer.


I believe that intelligence cannot be gauged, and the marks just indicate how much effort has been sacrificed to get there.

This also means I'm faltering in confidence. I don't know why this happens but it just does. Everything suddenly doesn't matter anymore. I suddenly feel so shut off from society and really, I shut down too. I panic and end up not doing much. It's sad. I just feel really really lonely.

This next paragraph will be about cataracts.

THEY FREAKING HAPPEN EITHER BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD, TRAUMATIZED, FACING A BIGGER, MORE DANGEROUS DISEASE, EXPOSED TO DRUGS, TOXIC MATERIALS, EXCESSIVELY CONSUME ALCOHOL, EXPOSED TO UV LIGHT, RADIATION, OR JUST GENETIC. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY EXCESSIVE EYE USAGE. THIS IS ACCORDING TO TOP, LEGITIMATE ACCLAIMED OPTICIANS AND OPHTHALMOLOGISTS WITH LEGITIMATE QUALIFICATIONS, SPECIALISTS IN MEDICAL AND SURGICAL EYE PROBLEMS, DEALING WITH THE ANATOMY, PHYSIOLOGY AND DISEASES OF THE EYE. REAL DEGREES, REAL EXPERIENCE, REAL DOCTORS WHO KNOW THEIR SHIT. SO DON'T COME UP TO ME AND TELL ME MY DOCTOR IS WRONG. YOU'RE SIXTEEN, YOU'RE YOUNG, AND HONESTLY, YOU MUST BE REALLY REALLY JOLLY STUPID TO NOT BELIEVE WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT MY OPHTHALMOLOGIST SAID. WHO ARE YOU TO GO AGAINST YEARS OF EXPERIENCE AND QUALIFICATION. DON'T WASTE MY BRAIN CELLS MULLING OVER YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT WORTH MY TIME. IT WASN'T CHEAP GETTING AN EYE SPECIALIST, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT GONNA BE CHEAP FOR THE OPERATION. SO SHOVE YOUR WORDS UP YOUR ASS. DON'T ACT SMART WHEN YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE NOT FACING CATARACTS. YOU'RE NOT AN EYE SPECIALIST. YOU DIDN'T SPEND YEARS IN HOSPITALS CARRYING OUT OPERATIONS. YOU HAVING NOTHING TO SHOW FOR WHAT YOU SAY. DON'T MAKE YOURSELF LOOK STUPID BY TRYING TO BE SMART. I AM SICK OF YOUR ATTITUDE. 
don't fucking try me.


sorry about that.

Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) Live @ Saitama Super Arena

Random writing #36447

I stared at the fan blades spinning slowly as daylight shone through the window. I couldn't feel the light. I was numb to positivism. I'm stuck down here, and I've nowhere to go. My head was pounding like a pile driver on mechanical steroids. The depression was unbearable.

On the outside, I'm of course just a crazy guy.

Desperate to refresh my mind, I got up and inconspicuously left the hospital. No nurses were there to stop me, no doctor to restrain me. I didn't know what I was doing. All I felt was the insatiable desire to let it all go. My legs led me to the middle of the road. Everything freezed at this point. My feet were anchored at the spot where I stood. I wasn't about to move for a while. A small portion of my brain begged to move myself to safety but they wouldn't budge.

I have to do this, I screamed to myself. In my head of course. Although shouting it out wouldn't affect my insane image. At this point my head was in such shambles I almost passed out from the immense mental disarray. I managed to keep myself conscious for a few seconds as I stared at a pair of headlights coming my way. The physical pain I was going to inflict to myself was the only way to block out the pain up here.I wondered then if this was all going to be worth it.

And then it hit me.

BlackBirds - Linkin Park

Blackbirds - Linkin Park

I shiver and shake the warm air coldI'm alone on my ownIn every mistake I dig this holeThrough my skin and bones
It's harder starting overThan never to have changed
With blackbirds following meI'm digging out my graveThey close in, swallowing meThe pain, it comes in wavesI'm getting back what I gave
I sweat through the sheet as daylight fadesAs I waste awayIt traps me inside mistakes I've madeThat's the price I pay

It's harder starting overThan never to have changed
With blackbirds following meI'm digging out my graveThey close in, swallowing meThe pain, it comes in wavesI'm getting back what I gave
I drop to the floor like I did beforeStop watchingI'm coughingI can't be moreWhat I want and what I need are at constant warLike a well full of poisonA rotten coreThe blood goes thinThe fever stingsAnd I shake from the hell that the habits bringLet the sick ones downThe bells will ringPut pennies on the eyesLet the dead men sing

Blackbirds following meI'm digging out my graveThey close in, swallowing me The pain it comes in waves,I'm getting back, what I gave,I'm getting back, what I gave.

Random writing #36446

This is a random snippet I write during my free time. Try to enjoy the puckish writing as it unfolds. Expect more of these random passages throughout the blog n_n

"I awake in a room sprawled on the carpeted floor. 

Oh God, I thought.

 I get up to my feet and stared out the window. Outside, a Nazi flag bearing the infamous swastika billowed proudly in the winter gale.

Oh God, I thought.

It seems the American time-traveling technology had worked. Unless this was a dream and I'm just living an elaborate Russian fantasy. It didn't deaden my eureka moment nonetheless. What did, was a sudden tightening of my windpipe courtesy of a muscular arm round my neck. I was immediately subdued, and then I got a German boot to the face. 

Oh God, I thought.

I managed to peek at the man before me through swelled eyes. Unsurprisingly, it was Adolf Hitler. It was after all, his office I woke up in. But I see him gripping something familiar though. I squint my left eye hard to get a faded glimpse. My cataract-ridden right eye was as good as gone. Then I saw it.

Oh God, I thought.

Hitler curiously scanned my phone, pressing buttons and watching intently as the screen of the rather remarkable contraption changed color. It must've fallen out of my pocket. This is bad. This is very bad. Smartphone technology was revolutionary in my time. What more now in the year 1942. This could put the Nazis ahead of the British and the Americans. This could win them the war. This could rewrite history. My mission to assassinate Hitler and avenge my loved ones had sunk into some deep shit water.

Oh dear God, I thought."