January 19, 2014
January 18, 2014
The next chapter
So how was your results? You've certainly outdone yourself in some subjects and underperformed in others. Any thoughts?
Subject by subject:
Arabic Lang---A1 Probably the last subject I expected a distinction for. I guess I did quite well, considering the whole damned thing was about snow.
Malay Lang--- A2 Probably the first subject I expected a distinction for (haha). I got a B3 first time round so I'm just thankful. Thoughh I am a legit Malay and shouldn't waste precious points here. Whatever.
English Lang-- B3 This was a tricky one. Maybe they wanted to end the old syllabus with a the bang in the form of a tough as heck paper. I did wish I had fared better though. I know I'm capable. Maybe next time.
Maths (!!!)-----B3 (no words)
Science-------- B3 Never did manage to claw my way to a distinction for this sub anyway. Meh ish.
Geography----- B4 Well I never. Was it my handwriting? Was it under-par elaboration? Was it just a case of shitting the bed? I will never know. (probably was my handwriting)
Overall, I can't say I'm not proud nor thankful for what I've attained. Compared to my preliminaries, this is surely a drop in some subs (all but math) but definitely a job very well done in others (none but math). Highlights do include my Arabic, maybe only because I did better than expected. My math though. What a show. I got a rubbish F9 for it in preliminaries, but thankfully thankfully thankfully, I managed to turn it around, by sheer effort and a good load of help from family, friends and definitely my mentors. I was down and out and ready to give in after the preliminary failure, but maybe there was a hidden good behind it, or hikmah, in that I wouldn't get complacent (which I most certainly would) and let let my foot off the gas.
If I had to sum up how I managed to do so, it would be down to hard work in revisions and study, belief in powers beyond myself, along with my own ability, to get there, and support and guidance from friends and family. I had the privilege of being in the company of very highly motivated friends and a wonderfully dedicated mentor, and I am very very grateful for that. Thank you, guys. No words can justify how extremely privileged I am. Alhamdulillah.
An L1R5 of 16 and an L1R4 of 12. So what's next?
Welllll only some highlight choices:
1-(SP)Aeronautical Engineering: Basically aircraft-related engineering. It's a childhood dream to be a pilot. Besides, it's the best aerospace course so far. I couldn't find anything else that interested me while at the same time, wasn't all about sitting in an office doing research. I qualify on the dot (12) so let's hope all goes well.
2-(TP)Law and Management: Only non-JC path to law. Yes I am actually interested in taking up such a field. Shock? I work well with words, I lie pretty well (unfortuately ish), I talk a lot, I love a bit of drama. It's a road not traveled by many, and I figure the uniqueness would be cool (read: hipster). I may just be brainwashed by John Grisham books though. Cracked my brain trying to choose between this and my first choice. Applied JPSAE for this too, just in case. Let's hope I made the right choice.
3-(NP)Aerospace Technology: See Aeronautical Engineering at SP. This one is a tad easier to qualify for. Plus I stnnd a chance of keeping up with homies who are aiming for Ngee Ann also. So that's good.
4-(SP)Bioengineering: Engineering related to healthcare and biology, basically, such as making pacemakers and other hospital and life saving equipment. Amazing isn't it, to be able to have a hand in saving people's lives, or making it better for many. What better way to make a difference.
7-(Arts)Innova Junior College: This is set at seventh, as the safety net of all safety nets. The only field I will pursue should I go is only law, hence the decision to go for the less stressy path in TP. My lack of extra subs mean I am very limited to the arts stream, taking on content heavy subs that do not need prior knowledge, meaning tons of memorisation. I am sad to miss out though, since a lot of my friends are actually going to JCs albeit top ones that I don't qualify for, can like study together or something. Along with A levellers at madrasah hahaha. Guess that's not on the agenda :(
So yurppp.I am deeply sorry to say that I am not planning on pursuing religious studies. But hopefully I will be able to take a part time diploma pertaining to Islamic studies anytime I may be able to do so. It's not a lack of interest; I just can't put it into words. I figure since there are already madrasahs chocked with religious students, I'm sure I can depend on them teach my future kids a thing or two in a few years' time. All the best to them. And to all my buddies ofc.
Thank you for answering your own questions, Mu'az. Let's hope readers now know more about you after this post. All the best for your choices. Now back to your unrealistic short stories.
Pleasure, Mu'az.
Subject by subject:
Arabic Lang---A1 Probably the last subject I expected a distinction for. I guess I did quite well, considering the whole damned thing was about snow.
Malay Lang--- A2 Probably the first subject I expected a distinction for (haha). I got a B3 first time round so I'm just thankful. Thoughh I am a legit Malay and shouldn't waste precious points here. Whatever.
English Lang-- B3 This was a tricky one. Maybe they wanted to end the old syllabus with a the bang in the form of a tough as heck paper. I did wish I had fared better though. I know I'm capable. Maybe next time.
Maths (!!!)-----B3 (no words)
Science-------- B3 Never did manage to claw my way to a distinction for this sub anyway. Meh ish.
Geography----- B4 Well I never. Was it my handwriting? Was it under-par elaboration? Was it just a case of shitting the bed? I will never know. (probably was my handwriting)
Overall, I can't say I'm not proud nor thankful for what I've attained. Compared to my preliminaries, this is surely a drop in some subs (all but math) but definitely a job very well done in others (none but math). Highlights do include my Arabic, maybe only because I did better than expected. My math though. What a show. I got a rubbish F9 for it in preliminaries, but thankfully thankfully thankfully, I managed to turn it around, by sheer effort and a good load of help from family, friends and definitely my mentors. I was down and out and ready to give in after the preliminary failure, but maybe there was a hidden good behind it, or hikmah, in that I wouldn't get complacent (which I most certainly would) and let let my foot off the gas.
If I had to sum up how I managed to do so, it would be down to hard work in revisions and study, belief in powers beyond myself, along with my own ability, to get there, and support and guidance from friends and family. I had the privilege of being in the company of very highly motivated friends and a wonderfully dedicated mentor, and I am very very grateful for that. Thank you, guys. No words can justify how extremely privileged I am. Alhamdulillah.
An L1R5 of 16 and an L1R4 of 12. So what's next?
Welllll only some highlight choices:
1-(SP)Aeronautical Engineering: Basically aircraft-related engineering. It's a childhood dream to be a pilot. Besides, it's the best aerospace course so far. I couldn't find anything else that interested me while at the same time, wasn't all about sitting in an office doing research. I qualify on the dot (12) so let's hope all goes well.
2-(TP)Law and Management: Only non-JC path to law. Yes I am actually interested in taking up such a field. Shock? I work well with words, I lie pretty well (unfortuately ish), I talk a lot, I love a bit of drama. It's a road not traveled by many, and I figure the uniqueness would be cool (read: hipster). I may just be brainwashed by John Grisham books though. Cracked my brain trying to choose between this and my first choice. Applied JPSAE for this too, just in case. Let's hope I made the right choice.
3-(NP)Aerospace Technology: See Aeronautical Engineering at SP. This one is a tad easier to qualify for. Plus I stnnd a chance of keeping up with homies who are aiming for Ngee Ann also. So that's good.
4-(SP)Bioengineering: Engineering related to healthcare and biology, basically, such as making pacemakers and other hospital and life saving equipment. Amazing isn't it, to be able to have a hand in saving people's lives, or making it better for many. What better way to make a difference.
7-(Arts)Innova Junior College: This is set at seventh, as the safety net of all safety nets. The only field I will pursue should I go is only law, hence the decision to go for the less stressy path in TP. My lack of extra subs mean I am very limited to the arts stream, taking on content heavy subs that do not need prior knowledge, meaning tons of memorisation. I am sad to miss out though, since a lot of my friends are actually going to JCs albeit top ones that I don't qualify for, can like study together or something. Along with A levellers at madrasah hahaha. Guess that's not on the agenda :(
So yurppp.I am deeply sorry to say that I am not planning on pursuing religious studies. But hopefully I will be able to take a part time diploma pertaining to Islamic studies anytime I may be able to do so. It's not a lack of interest; I just can't put it into words. I figure since there are already madrasahs chocked with religious students, I'm sure I can depend on them teach my future kids a thing or two in a few years' time. All the best to them. And to all my buddies ofc.
Thank you for answering your own questions, Mu'az. Let's hope readers now know more about you after this post. All the best for your choices. Now back to your unrealistic short stories.
Pleasure, Mu'az.
Of Trials and Tribulations
Three words kept ringing through my head that day. This, it and is, not in that order, of course. The 13th of January marked the day my buddies and I were to collect some results for some huge examination that could possibly have a huge hand in determining our future. So no pressure then.
This is it.
I decided the best way to kick off the longest day of my life was by stuffing my tummy senseless of food. So I starved myself the night before, and went to Seoul Garden the following morning with some friends and ate my heart out. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I did a damned good job of getting to my own heart and suppressing any forms of fear, anxiety and more fear with not-so-well cooked meat and ice creaaam, leaving the place bloated but content. I quietly tapped my ever-thinning wallet in my back pocket and tried to justify the dwindling thickness.
This is it.
The trip to school was relatively uneventful, generally because I was too full to work my brain, but particularly, I suspect, because I was blinded by fear only four minutes into the journey. Bad call for a king's breakfast? Depends on your grades, your Highness. Let's not go there. As the train slipped into dark tunnels, my mind was cleared of the nice green scenery. I struggled to think of things other than my damned results. Wonder how these tunnels were made.
This is it.
I arrived slightly late and slunk in an empty seat. Now I was properly nervous. Relax, relax and listen to the principal. Right ok. Yes we're the golden batch. Yes, yes, did our best, everything is a blessing, life is still rainbows and unicorns, all that jazz. I recoiled in horror every couple of minutes as a new subject was brought up over and over again T.T a certain team of debaters were honourably mentioned, apparently. Dunno what that's all about. But enough of all that, let's move on to the top tennnn.
This isn't it yet.
The expected faces came up as the numbers and names tumbled out. Tears, solemness, whatever. I did have a dying dream of one day making it up there, but sadly it wasn't my time. I was genuinely happy for my top ten friends, though. Knowing somehow somewhere I've helped them get up there is something I'm highly content with. This is my sincere congratulations, peeps. Good show^^
This is almost it.
The top dog in my batch came just in time to skip a seat and made his way to the stage, so that was amusing. Anyway anyway anyway, good job, you're still awesome even without being on the stage, more showers of praise and the whole thing was finally overr. Results timee. My stomach was a messsss. Slowly, students were called forward and collected their respective slips.
This is definitely it.
I made my way to the front and meekly offered a hand to my teacher. Assalamualaikum sir. Yes sir. Five working days to submit sir. Yes, of course. Thank you sir. I gingerly made my way back, hands in a slight tremor. Wait, did I just make out my math teacher saying my math was "power"? With a legit thumbs up? I guess that was a good sign. I dismissed it very early on. It was so faint and subtle I took it with the hugest grain of salt. Okok.
This is (legit) it.
/falls asleep typing the post out
This is it.
I decided the best way to kick off the longest day of my life was by stuffing my tummy senseless of food. So I starved myself the night before, and went to Seoul Garden the following morning with some friends and ate my heart out. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I did a damned good job of getting to my own heart and suppressing any forms of fear, anxiety and more fear with not-so-well cooked meat and ice creaaam, leaving the place bloated but content. I quietly tapped my ever-thinning wallet in my back pocket and tried to justify the dwindling thickness.
This is it.
The trip to school was relatively uneventful, generally because I was too full to work my brain, but particularly, I suspect, because I was blinded by fear only four minutes into the journey. Bad call for a king's breakfast? Depends on your grades, your Highness. Let's not go there. As the train slipped into dark tunnels, my mind was cleared of the nice green scenery. I struggled to think of things other than my damned results. Wonder how these tunnels were made.
This is it.
I arrived slightly late and slunk in an empty seat. Now I was properly nervous. Relax, relax and listen to the principal. Right ok. Yes we're the golden batch. Yes, yes, did our best, everything is a blessing, life is still rainbows and unicorns, all that jazz. I recoiled in horror every couple of minutes as a new subject was brought up over and over again T.T a certain team of debaters were honourably mentioned, apparently. Dunno what that's all about. But enough of all that, let's move on to the top tennnn.
This isn't it yet.
The expected faces came up as the numbers and names tumbled out. Tears, solemness, whatever. I did have a dying dream of one day making it up there, but sadly it wasn't my time. I was genuinely happy for my top ten friends, though. Knowing somehow somewhere I've helped them get up there is something I'm highly content with. This is my sincere congratulations, peeps. Good show^^
This is almost it.
The top dog in my batch came just in time to skip a seat and made his way to the stage, so that was amusing. Anyway anyway anyway, good job, you're still awesome even without being on the stage, more showers of praise and the whole thing was finally overr. Results timee. My stomach was a messsss. Slowly, students were called forward and collected their respective slips.
This is definitely it.
I made my way to the front and meekly offered a hand to my teacher. Assalamualaikum sir. Yes sir. Five working days to submit sir. Yes, of course. Thank you sir. I gingerly made my way back, hands in a slight tremor. Wait, did I just make out my math teacher saying my math was "power"? With a legit thumbs up? I guess that was a good sign. I dismissed it very early on. It was so faint and subtle I took it with the hugest grain of salt. Okok.
This is (legit) it.
/falls asleep typing the post out
January 08, 2014
Catharsis #2697
"Don't forget the school letter tomorrow."
Ma poked her head through the door of my room and left an envelope on the desk.
"I'm not going tomorrow lah."
I was on my bed, trying to sleep. Not that I was going to have a long day tomorrow.
"But it's Friday. Half day. You'll feel good after prayers."
I shifted to my other side, facing away from the door. Ma was always the optimist. She stood her ground, a slender shadow looming over me from the lighted doorway. We didn't exchange words for a while. Until I heard a sigh, then, "Good night, sayang."
The door closed and the light was gone. I shifted again and laid on my back, desperate to sleep. The time was almost ten, brought to you by my Sony smartphone. Way too early for sleepy time. And definitely way too stuffy for my liking. I sat up and hugged my long, not-too hairy legs, resting my chin between my knees.
It was the third time in a week I'd decided against school. My parents seemed to buy it that there was not much to the lessons except self-revision, what with exams around the corner and being able to do it at home and all that jazz. My mum was always one to see through it and suspect something was up, although she didn't know what. My dad ,of course, dismissed any worries about his intelligent and strong boy having issues in school (for the record, I'm underweight and my grades are average).
And that's okay. I don't want them mixing around in my life. Or should they? Am i being brave and independent or just a punk ass bitch, as they put it, if I confide in my parents? Why should I put them first, ahead of my very own parents?
A sudden pain seared through my side. Shit, that's why, I thought to myself.
Pulling up my shirt, I stared at my body and imagined the bruises through the darkness. I groped for the yoko-yoko on my bedside table. Apparently using muscle pain ointment helps with punches to the body. Heck it, I thought.
The first thing I remember about school isn't the knowledge, not the teachers, and most definitely not the food. Nah. It's all about the people you're in contact with the most next to your parents. Yup, my dear friends. "Them," if you will, as I endearingly referred to previously.
You see, I have this issue with my friends where I'm being taken advantage of. Because I was so mentally weak and physically just average, I am easily stepped on, easily mocked, easily made fun of. I was a laughing stock, the joke of my friends. It was beyond horrible. Couple that with my dwindling grades. I wasn't intelligent. I was especially shit at science. I was weak, and I was stupid. Everyday was a living nightmare. I left school everyday physically and mentally bruised.
Of course, as with every case, I didn't involve any manner of adult in the shithole I was in. I wanted to feel independent, to feel like I didn't need help. Maybe that was my undoing after being brainwashed by my friends, my dear loving friends. What I knew, or what I was made to think, was that I would be especially weak to confide in my parents or my teachers. Even to the point that that wouldn't help, somehow. I was terrified. Kids kill themselves because such things. I would be living hell for a year. And there was nothing I could do about it.
The door opened again.
"Yes, Ma, I'm going tomorrow lah. Joking only."
The low voice that replied caught me for a second.
"Jangan kesah dengan kawan-kawan merepek kau tu. Jangan dengar dorang cakap kau bodoh lah tu semua. Sekarang, exam lagi penting. Belajar betul-betul, tunjuk dorang sape yang bodoh."
"Yang penting bukan popular atau bagus main bola atau paling handsome ape semua tu. Sekarang memang selalu susah; kene tahan je. Now isn't the time to fight back. Keep your head down, work hard. Esok, kite tengok sape susah. Esok kite nampak sape yang pandai."
(Translation: Don't care about your lousy friends. Don't believe them when they call you stupid and the like. Right now, exams are more important. Study hard, and show them who's the true imbecile.
What's important isn't being the most popular, or best at soccer, or most handsome etc. It is always going to be tough, we have to tolerate. Now isn't the time to fight back. Keep your head down, work hard. Tomorrow, we see who suffers. Tomorrow, we see the shrewd.)
I nodded my head from underneath the blanket. Whether my dad saw or acknowledged my subtle reply, I will never know. The door did close though.
Every word my father had said made sense.
I reassumed my sleeping position, concealed within blankets. The menthol was freezing over, and comfort was at a premium.
But I felt better. I felt trust, and I felt belief. Tomorrow was going to be a new day. Time to keep my head down and tahan, and tolerate all that BS. Five, ten years on, maybe, we will indeed see, who is the truly shrewd.
-Long story short, I did. And it sure as hell wasn't them ^^
Ma poked her head through the door of my room and left an envelope on the desk.
"I'm not going tomorrow lah."
I was on my bed, trying to sleep. Not that I was going to have a long day tomorrow.
"But it's Friday. Half day. You'll feel good after prayers."
I shifted to my other side, facing away from the door. Ma was always the optimist. She stood her ground, a slender shadow looming over me from the lighted doorway. We didn't exchange words for a while. Until I heard a sigh, then, "Good night, sayang."
The door closed and the light was gone. I shifted again and laid on my back, desperate to sleep. The time was almost ten, brought to you by my Sony smartphone. Way too early for sleepy time. And definitely way too stuffy for my liking. I sat up and hugged my long, not-too hairy legs, resting my chin between my knees.
It was the third time in a week I'd decided against school. My parents seemed to buy it that there was not much to the lessons except self-revision, what with exams around the corner and being able to do it at home and all that jazz. My mum was always one to see through it and suspect something was up, although she didn't know what. My dad ,of course, dismissed any worries about his intelligent and strong boy having issues in school (for the record, I'm underweight and my grades are average).
And that's okay. I don't want them mixing around in my life. Or should they? Am i being brave and independent or just a punk ass bitch, as they put it, if I confide in my parents? Why should I put them first, ahead of my very own parents?
A sudden pain seared through my side. Shit, that's why, I thought to myself.
Pulling up my shirt, I stared at my body and imagined the bruises through the darkness. I groped for the yoko-yoko on my bedside table. Apparently using muscle pain ointment helps with punches to the body. Heck it, I thought.
The first thing I remember about school isn't the knowledge, not the teachers, and most definitely not the food. Nah. It's all about the people you're in contact with the most next to your parents. Yup, my dear friends. "Them," if you will, as I endearingly referred to previously.
You see, I have this issue with my friends where I'm being taken advantage of. Because I was so mentally weak and physically just average, I am easily stepped on, easily mocked, easily made fun of. I was a laughing stock, the joke of my friends. It was beyond horrible. Couple that with my dwindling grades. I wasn't intelligent. I was especially shit at science. I was weak, and I was stupid. Everyday was a living nightmare. I left school everyday physically and mentally bruised.
Of course, as with every case, I didn't involve any manner of adult in the shithole I was in. I wanted to feel independent, to feel like I didn't need help. Maybe that was my undoing after being brainwashed by my friends, my dear loving friends. What I knew, or what I was made to think, was that I would be especially weak to confide in my parents or my teachers. Even to the point that that wouldn't help, somehow. I was terrified. Kids kill themselves because such things. I would be living hell for a year. And there was nothing I could do about it.
The door opened again.
"Yes, Ma, I'm going tomorrow lah. Joking only."
The low voice that replied caught me for a second.
"Jangan kesah dengan kawan-kawan merepek kau tu. Jangan dengar dorang cakap kau bodoh lah tu semua. Sekarang, exam lagi penting. Belajar betul-betul, tunjuk dorang sape yang bodoh."
"Yang penting bukan popular atau bagus main bola atau paling handsome ape semua tu. Sekarang memang selalu susah; kene tahan je. Now isn't the time to fight back. Keep your head down, work hard. Esok, kite tengok sape susah. Esok kite nampak sape yang pandai."
(Translation: Don't care about your lousy friends. Don't believe them when they call you stupid and the like. Right now, exams are more important. Study hard, and show them who's the true imbecile.
What's important isn't being the most popular, or best at soccer, or most handsome etc. It is always going to be tough, we have to tolerate. Now isn't the time to fight back. Keep your head down, work hard. Tomorrow, we see who suffers. Tomorrow, we see the shrewd.)
I nodded my head from underneath the blanket. Whether my dad saw or acknowledged my subtle reply, I will never know. The door did close though.
Every word my father had said made sense.
I reassumed my sleeping position, concealed within blankets. The menthol was freezing over, and comfort was at a premium.
But I felt better. I felt trust, and I felt belief. Tomorrow was going to be a new day. Time to keep my head down and tahan, and tolerate all that BS. Five, ten years on, maybe, we will indeed see, who is the truly shrewd.
-Long story short, I did. And it sure as hell wasn't them ^^
August 25, 2013
Purgation
The atmosphere was dry with tension and quiet anticipation. I had myself upright on the chair, instead of my laid-back lean with my European leg cross on, one lap neatly crossed over the other, a sign of confidence or utter nonchalance. Today was a big day, and my body language knew it. I even had my shoes on.
The class made an effort to cheer on everyone who went up front to get their results, but we gave up and shut ourselves up a few names later. I kept myself quiet too. I just wanted to calm these rattlesnakes in my stomach. The room temperature dialed up a notch. I calmly flexed my neck. Air bubbles quietly cracked away. I had a fair amount of confidence, but something had my head held in my hands.
As atrocious as my Malay had been, I was pretty much expecting a golden A1. An A2 would mean a good deal, maybe a few cockups here and there. B3 would mean going through this roller coaster from hell again. I didn't have any thoughts about getting any lower grade, partly cause I wasn't that pessimistic, but mostly cause I would be too busy hanging myself on a noose if I did. Anyway.
My teacher had himself announcing names along with said students' grade, so that didn't spoil the surprise for me at all. Nor all my buddies.
When my name was called, I briefly got up and quietly grabbed the sheet of paper, all the time forgetting he'd mention my grade. Of course, I was duly reminded, at just the most opportune time possible.
B3.
I hadn't even returned to my seat yet. Hell, I hadn't managed to ready myself psychologically for a B3. My spine went numb with cold. I flipped up the paper. There it was. My eyes screened through the badly photocopied piece of paper and stop at my grade.
B-friggin-3.
I felt my face going white and my legs going weak.The room suddenly went cold. I plopped onto my chair, dumbstruck. My buddy beside me would later remark that I'd immediately shut up after I got my results.
B3.
I didn't know what to feel. Anger? Pity? Contempt? Holy cow, I felt the lump forming in my throat and salty tears hurting my eyes with the fake lenses. Shit don't cry, I thought. There are kids dying in Africa.
Somehow knowing kids are dying in Africa is supposed to cheer people up and make things better. It doesn't. Stop doing that, anyone trying to cheer anybody up. Anyway.
I manage to hold back the tears though. I was just not myself for majority of this shitshow.
B3. I chuckled in disbelief to myself. Unbelievable.
I had to face my friends afterwards and keep a stiff upper lip smiling and congratulating them on their guaranteed A1s. Yes yes, good for you! Congratulations, it all paid off! Damn, don't get too cocky! I knew you could do it! I saw them cheer and rejoice between themselves and laugh and generally be happy with their results. I looked on a distance away, alone and pitiful as I was. I felt alone and I felt left behind.
The lump was acting up again. My smile flinches, oblivious to everyone, of course. My day was done. Get all these thoughts out. Time to partition the depression and bounce back. Life still goes on, and so do five other subjects.
B3 though straight up unbelievable.
The class made an effort to cheer on everyone who went up front to get their results, but we gave up and shut ourselves up a few names later. I kept myself quiet too. I just wanted to calm these rattlesnakes in my stomach. The room temperature dialed up a notch. I calmly flexed my neck. Air bubbles quietly cracked away. I had a fair amount of confidence, but something had my head held in my hands.
As atrocious as my Malay had been, I was pretty much expecting a golden A1. An A2 would mean a good deal, maybe a few cockups here and there. B3 would mean going through this roller coaster from hell again. I didn't have any thoughts about getting any lower grade, partly cause I wasn't that pessimistic, but mostly cause I would be too busy hanging myself on a noose if I did. Anyway.
My teacher had himself announcing names along with said students' grade, so that didn't spoil the surprise for me at all. Nor all my buddies.
When my name was called, I briefly got up and quietly grabbed the sheet of paper, all the time forgetting he'd mention my grade. Of course, I was duly reminded, at just the most opportune time possible.
B3.
I hadn't even returned to my seat yet. Hell, I hadn't managed to ready myself psychologically for a B3. My spine went numb with cold. I flipped up the paper. There it was. My eyes screened through the badly photocopied piece of paper and stop at my grade.
B-friggin-3.
I felt my face going white and my legs going weak.The room suddenly went cold. I plopped onto my chair, dumbstruck. My buddy beside me would later remark that I'd immediately shut up after I got my results.
B3.
I didn't know what to feel. Anger? Pity? Contempt? Holy cow, I felt the lump forming in my throat and salty tears hurting my eyes with the fake lenses. Shit don't cry, I thought. There are kids dying in Africa.
Somehow knowing kids are dying in Africa is supposed to cheer people up and make things better. It doesn't. Stop doing that, anyone trying to cheer anybody up. Anyway.
I manage to hold back the tears though. I was just not myself for majority of this shitshow.
B3. I chuckled in disbelief to myself. Unbelievable.
I had to face my friends afterwards and keep a stiff upper lip smiling and congratulating them on their guaranteed A1s. Yes yes, good for you! Congratulations, it all paid off! Damn, don't get too cocky! I knew you could do it! I saw them cheer and rejoice between themselves and laugh and generally be happy with their results. I looked on a distance away, alone and pitiful as I was. I felt alone and I felt left behind.
The lump was acting up again. My smile flinches, oblivious to everyone, of course. My day was done. Get all these thoughts out. Time to partition the depression and bounce back. Life still goes on, and so do five other subjects.
B3 though straight up unbelievable.
June 04, 2013
What makes me happy?
- Milk. Nothing to rouse the spirits than some calcium in the body. The refreshing feel of the milk running down my throat cheers me anyday of the week. If only it was neither expensive nor harmful if taken too much.
- Music. A haven from the real world, escaping to a utopia where anything that can happen, will happen. Sounds you thought never existed, feelings unfathomable pieced beautifully in an amazing cocktail of words and rhythm. It's like daydreaming but with audio. And no picture. I don't think I need to elaborate more bahahaha.
- Reading and writing. Another refuge from reality. Think watching a movie, but more rewarding. Besides the vast imagination that isn't limited to certain imagery (ahem movies), you improve your language and exposure and tend to look more intelligent too. And you are. Hahaha.
- Discovery. Meeting a new friend, seeing new places, finding a stack of old photos, listening to a new album. There's not much to top off being able to add some new zest to my daily routine of boredom.
- Guitaring. It's a hobby, what do you expect?
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